Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.