Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the coolest video you will see today.

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.