If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
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Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again