If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
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Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
My dad is at it again
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
😂 amazing answer
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.