If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
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told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Haha good job!!
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Oceanography is all about current events
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars