Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.