If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
You Might Also Like
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
just having fun
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit