If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
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How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
OKAY DAD
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.