If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
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Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
GM✌🏻
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)