If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
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this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.