If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
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If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.