If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
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Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I unironically love this joke.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*