If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
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Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
the duality of man
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens