If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
lmao
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
