If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
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I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato