If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.