Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.