Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

Meow?

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit