If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
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9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*