Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.