If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
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Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
!!!!!!!!!!!
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated