Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

opening twitter today

Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”

Okay, I’m still confused…

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”