If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
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My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
Best seat on the street 😍
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
no exceptions
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes