Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
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4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I wish I was from Finland so when people asked if I was Finnish I could say “no, in fact, I’m just getting started”
Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I’m never like, “Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
God: So the rattlesnake has one of the deadliest poisons… now what?
Angel: Put some maracas on its tail, so it’s permanently pissed off
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
When people say my dog’s cute, naturally I thank them as if I created him
We all say tomato. There is no alternate pronunciation.