If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
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I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
This kid is a star!
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.