If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
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All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene