If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
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Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day