@leechee420

If Reese Witherspoon doesn’t call her poop “Reese’s Feces” she’s missing out on a clear opportunity to be awesome.

You Might Also Like

@knot_eye

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

@Michael_Erhart

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

@Tmoney68

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

@ThatMummyLife

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

@justmiche74

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

@thepunningman

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

@Home_Halfway

ME: I thought we’d try something new in the bedroom tonight

WIFE: Oh really, I like that

ME: *holds her hands* Babe, let’s tape the bed to the ceiling so we can sleep like bats

@EndhooS

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

@AmnesiaRose

*walks in on home intruder

“omg please don’t look at the dust!”