Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
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It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Just why bro?!
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.