[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
If Reese Witherspoon doesn’t call her poop “Reese’s Feces” she’s missing out on a clear opportunity to be awesome.
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I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
ME: I thought we’d try something new in the bedroom tonight
WIFE: Oh really, I like that
ME: *holds her hands* Babe, let’s tape the bed to the ceiling so we can sleep like bats
Some people follow their dreams, I follow lunatics on the internet.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
*walks in on home intruder
“omg please don’t look at the dust!”