Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data

I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…