If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
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Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.