Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

ㅤ

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.