Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

🙋‍♀️

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things