If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
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I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
It’s a gift
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating