Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

ㅤ

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

Dance like you’re not the father

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked