Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”

Her: “What an ugly baby”

Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”

Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

Sheep

new record!

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

Alexa; make it look like an accident

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla