If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
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Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
I triple waxed for this?
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.