Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.