If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
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RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.