If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
You Might Also Like
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
👍
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache