If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
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I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.