Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.