Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

“What are your dogs’ names?”

Me: “Calvin and Klein.”

“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.