If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
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Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.