If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
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Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
The French word for sex is croissant.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.