If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
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When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read