If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
You Might Also Like
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.