(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
You Might Also Like
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.