If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
You Might Also Like
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
it is time once again
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.