Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.