If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
due date
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
