If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
My mom texting me from an anime convention
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
