If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
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Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”