If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
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Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
