If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
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If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you