Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

This is the coolest video you will see today.

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.