If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
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My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!