If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
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Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
ugh not again
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.