Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.