Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”