If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
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Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Me irl
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking