Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE