IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
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COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself