If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
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The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate