If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
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Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Me recordaron éste meme
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.