If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
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I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen