@YourMomsucksTho

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

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@qwertying

Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

@BazarComedy

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

@MidlifeDish

“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
*Biggest lie parents tell kids

“And I mean it.”
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves

@GrantTanaka

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

@OhNoSheTwitnt

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

@HenpeckedHal

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

@Clint_Bing

Guy asked me today if I’ve ever owned a dog. I was like lmao yeah I own dogs all the time they can’t even say shit back

@BobTheSuit

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

@KentWGraham

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”