If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
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Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.