If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
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Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I never needed anything more in my life
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.