If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
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Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I’m not wrong
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
describing stardew valley
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah