If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
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Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.