Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

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What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.