If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
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Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
2022 will be better than 2021
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor