If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
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Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.