Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos