If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
You Might Also Like
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
some Old Testament wisdom
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?