Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?