Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Inventing Canadians]

Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!

God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

I am yelling

My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that