IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
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whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I hope Alan is OK
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?