Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

ㅤ

Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.