If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
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Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]