If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
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*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.